(Originally published in Harvard Business Review, August 22, 2021)
A few weeks ago, I was approached to deliver a keynote at an event for chief marketing officers. It looked like a great opportunity, but their budget could only accommodate one-third of my fee.
Should I accept the speaking gig at a lower fee, or do I turn them down? The great debate began in my mind.
Being a natural-born people-pleaser, I have always found it hard to say no. Combined with the fact that I am always open to new opportunities (and new opportunities can only come to fruition when you say yes), I have a tendency to say yes too frequently.
Over the course of my career, I have said yes to pitches for guests on my podcast, despite my best instincts (correctly) telling me they would result in lackluster interviews. I have said yes to attending events I wasn’t truly interested in, thinking they would expand my network, only to be filled with social awkwardness and boredom upon arrival. And I have said yes to so many speaking engagements that I’ve booked my entire schedule, leaving me with no time to work on the projects that I actively want to pursue.
Clearly, I need to make a change.
To get some insight around how I can better weigh my decisions and be more selective when assessing the opportunities that will actually benefit me, I asked some of the ultra-successful guests on my podcast about how they go about making decisions.
Here’s the advice that I’ve found most helpful.
Outsmart the pleasure principle.
One of the traps I fall into is saying yes to an opportunity simply because it is in the distant future, at a time when my schedule is pleasantly empty, and filing out my planner makes me feel more productive. I think to myself, Sure, that sounds fun, and it looks like I have time for it.
Saying yes is also easier than saying no. It takes less time and requires no thoughtful explanation. But, when the event inevitably rolls around, I start to regret my decision, as my schedule has grown completely overwhelming.
Sigmund Freud famously referred to these short-term gains for long-term pains as the pleasure principle, our tendency as humans to seek pleasure and avoid pain. When we immediately say yes, we are met with a positive response from the requester, which makes us feel good — especially if we have a habit of people pleasing. However, the pain shows up later down the line, when we actually have to follow through.
One of the guests on my podcast, a motivational guru, Turia Pitt, told me that she used to find herself frequently falling into this trap. Pitt is often asked to give speeches several months in advance. “I think to myself, ‘Oh, it’s like in six months’ time, whatever, it’ll be fine,’” she said. “And then when the speech is looming, I’ll be like, ‘Oh my gosh, why did I say yes?’”
To break the cycle, Pitt began to take ask herself three questions before answers requests for her time: If this opportunity or event was happening next Tuesday, how would I feel about it? Would I be like, “Yes! I cannot wait for that to happen”? Or would I be dreading it?
If she doesn’t feel particularly excited about whatever prospect is being presented, then her answer is clear.
I now ask myself this question, and I find it helps me focus in on how I genuinely feel about whatever opportunity I’m considering. If you also struggle with saying no, it’s a strategy I recommend.
Estimate the time (generously).
Another problem I have frequently run into is vastly underestimating the time involved if indeed, I do say yes. For example, a couple of years ago, I was asked to sit on a committee to review the MBA program of a prestigious Australian business school.
I have some strong views on how MBA programs can best prepare graduates for leadership roles, and given that my consultancy firm had recruited several MBA students from this institution in the past, I was selfishly motivated to brainstorm how it could produce even more successful graduates. So, as usual, I agreed.
After my first grueling three-hour meeting, I immediately regretted my decision.
Ex-Google ventures designer and author, John Zeratsky, refers to my problem as the “Iceberg Yes.” “When we are deciding whether to do something — a project, a job, a volunteer role, and so on — we tend to focus on the visible and exciting part. In other words, we focus on the glimmering peak of the iceberg that sits above the water.” Zeratsky points out that the majority of the time commitment sits hidden below the surface.
When Zeratsky receives requests for his time, he thinks about the whole iceberg — not just what sits above the surface. He considers all the work that will be involved before getting to the exciting parts. He also considers how much time it will take out of his regular work schedule.
“For example, when I agree to a speaking gig, I also schedule the time to prepare for that gig. It makes it harder to say yes, but that’s actually a good thing.”
I find the Iceberg Yes strategy particularly useful when deciding whether to say yes to podcast guest pitches. In addition to conducting the actual interview, I ask myself, “Would I feel excited to spend four to eight hours researching this person in preparation for the interview?” The answer to this question makes my decision easy.
The next time you are asked to do something that initially sounds exciting — such as writing a guest blog post, participating on a panel, or presenting on a topic that you’re passionate about — stop and think about how much less exciting work will be involved if you say yes.
Is the total time commitment something you can fit into your schedule? If it is, you considering saying yes with confidence, knowing you will be able to deliver.
Adopt some hard rules.
Finally, the act of making decisions requires a lot of energy. Research into decision fatigue suggests that the more decisions we make over the course of a day, the worse our decision-making becomes due to limited willpower reserves. As such, I have found success in adopting hard and fast rules for myself to help shortcut the decision-making process.
I frame my rules with the words “I don’t…” (I don’t do X; I don’t do Y) to make it feel like the rule is a real part of my identity.
I have a rule, for instance, that I don’t speak at dinner events. I’ve had some very ordinary experiences giving keynote speeches to rooms full of drunk people and it’s not something that I wish to do again in this lifetime. Instead of having to consciously consider every opportunity that takes place during a dinner event or cocktail hour, I simply say to the organizer, “I don’t speak at dinner events.”
When developing your own rules, consider your strengths and the type of activities that energize you. For example, you may feel highly anxious attending networking events, but still recognize that building networks is important for your career. As such, you might set yourself a rule that you don’t attend networking events because they’re not beneficial for you, but instead, you proactively reach out to people for one-on-one conversations to build your networks in a less anxiety-provoking way.
Choosing between options or saying yes or no to opportunities is hard — but being deliberate in how you make decisions can be the difference between a successful and fulfilling life, and one that is significantly less so.
